Parenting, in general, is not easy on a marriage, but when you have the extra challenge of parenting a child who has autism it is even harder. Studies have shown that 80% of couples who have a child with autism end up divorcing, but divorce doesn’t have to be an expected outcome.
When a child is diagnosed with autism it can cause parents to have a wide range of emotions. Relief, grief, and fear are all common responses to a child being diagnosed. When we are having intense emotions we can share them with our partner (ie turn toward) or we can hold them in or seek support from friends or family (ie turn away). According to the Gottman approach, turning toward our partner by discussing our feelings and providing one another with support is critical to the success of a marriage. When you think of two boards attempting to stay upward by themselves they will easily fall over, but if those two boards lean toward each other they are strong and hold each other up.
You can make space for sharing your feelings by making time to be together. Allow people you trust to watch your child(ren) so you can spend time together. If it is difficult to get away from your child, seek time together when you can. This might mean an early morning chat over coffee or meeting for lunch during the workday. Seek time as you can to support each other.
Parents often differ to some degree in perspectives around parenting. When parenting a child who is neurodivergent you will likely face challenges and the ideas you have about how to parent might not work as expected. There are resources for parents of a child on the autism spectrum including books, parenting classes specifically for parenting a child with autism, and therapy. Therapy can be a space for supported conversation around your perspectives and teach you tools for navigating differences.
As parents we need a community of people who are supportive. This might include family or friends we have prior to learning about a child’s diagnosis, but it may include a community we create after. Some parents find community through online communities of parents facing similar challenges and others find support by attending local in person support groups and gatherings for parents of children with autism.
Finally, a way to support the health of your marriage is to develop rituals of connection. Rituals of connection are interactions we intentionally engage in with our partner on a regular basis. This might be texting each other, greeting each other with a kiss, going for a walk around your neighborhood, or watching a tv show together weekly. The most important thing is that you do whatever you choose regularly so you and your partner remain connected.
Let’s defy the odds. Your spouse/partner can be a source of emotional support and a strong co-parent. Allow others to be your support system so you have the space to take care of yourself and each other.
